Not Quite How We Thought

nothing without You

I knew it was going to be bittersweet but He told me to go so I went. My heart ached and I did not know what to do so I stood and smiled hiding the pain inside. I so desperately wanted to express my emotions, yet I do not want to know them or feel them. I stuffed them in my heart telling myself that they are stupid. I believed myself and wandered into shadows of my soul, waiting for Him to rescue me.
Later as I sat on the cement He came to me. I didn’t want Him to, the wound had been torn open even more and I was numb with pain. I was hurt and confused, alone with only the wind to push my hair behind my ear and the moonlight to kiss my brow. I thought my heart was hard but I know that it is not. As I sat weeping You washed over me whispering the things I so desperately needed to hear. You touched my wounded heart as I sat silenced by the overpowering emotions birthed out of love. The water danced, it looked crimson in the city lights, it looked like my heart and I could not figure out if it was angry or bleeding but either way it was hurt. I told You why I was hurting so much and You understood me.
I am beginning to see how this was inevitable. I’m beginning to see how You have prepared me for this. I am beginning to catch a glimpse of my life; it is exactly as You said it would be. I am beginning to wake up and see that You have chosen me to walk a path that will not be tread by all, You have made me sensitive to Your call, You have set me apart. All of this is for Your glory and may seem foolish to some but to you it’s worship.
Here I come Daddy, whatever that means Daddy here I am, here I come. Although I come so hurt and so crippled there is nowhere else I’d rather be. Daddy I would rather sit with you alone on that cold cement with nothing but the wind to push my hair behind my ear and the moonlight to kiss my brow than to be apart from you.

Please know that I did not intend to hurt anyone by this post I could have said all that I did in one simple sentence:

"I have a million muddled issues in my head and I'm taking them to God, I don't want to fight with you."

I love you. We are different, yet we are the same. May God's love shower on us both so that we may give it out to others. I want you to know that you are not who I am fighting, I am not against you but the enemy of our souls. I will war for my brothers and sisters. I cannot do that if I give the enemy a place to stand in my life, for then I am divided and I am distracted, and it slows me down it disarms me and then I cannot stand. I will not wait for him to come to me for he knows when I am weak and will try to destroy me, I must find where he is, I will hunt him and look everywhere for him and when I find him I will destroy him with the sword of the Lord.

Lord give your sons and daughters grace to lives these lives that you have called us to. I cry out for wisdom, I cry out for love, I cry out for You. You are all we need, for with you we are never alone. Help us to live as the community that we need to be. Help us to love, help us to have boundaries, help us support and encourage one another.

posted by Christa @ 1:52 PM 2 comments

Daddy

I tremble, you speak
Help me to take a stand in the midst of this raging war in my soul
I want to find what it means to live a Holy life
I want to be found in you alone
I want you to be my reason for being
But Daddy I am so afraid...
Daddy would you father me?
I need you to father me Daddy
Daddy I need you

posted by Christa @ 7:48 PM 0 comments

Alive Inside

I am a giddy girl in love
You open my eyes to life; You show me things that I would never see
You dazzle me, You satisfy me
You make me laugh out loud

You make our love reality as we walk along this desert sea
Like a lover in the night you whisper into my ear the things I need to hear

Where are you?
Words come to me,
And teach me how to speak
Of this Love of mine

Your fingers climb up into mine
And I can't hide how alive inside
Your heart makes mine*



*Italics from rik leaf's in 2 deep 2 stand

posted by Christa @ 12:33 PM 0 comments

I want to love but I’m so afraid. I’m searching but what am I searching for? What do I want?
Love and acceptance.
Let me be! Don't leave me alone, let me be, let me live, let me be me. There is a small problem with that thought; I don't know who I am. I’m chasing the wind finding nothing. I’d do anything to find myself… in you. Lord see me here at your feet broken and ashamed…
Surround me, validate me, love me, hold me, contain me, consume me.
Come with me! (I’m reminded of the part in Bambi when his dad finds him shot and he demands that he gets up “You MUST get up! Good, now follow me.”) Come with me! Be swept away by in my wind that surrounds you. No longer refuse to accept, wrestle, struggle and fight my love. Come with me. No longer hunger behind a rock! Come be swept away with me right now.
He’s waiting for you. To fulfill your dreams He’s calling "come and be".
Be a world changer, be a flyer, be a dreamer, a warrior in prayer. I have put a cry in your heart now rise to that call. Now is the time to climb up the mountain of the Lord.Look at this nation that I love.
I see wickedness, I see evil, but I also hear the cries of the saints all over the world crying out for the redemption of Canada.
Canada is a hidden giant, a sleeping giant watch I will wake her up!
Stand don't you see him coming? Army of God look! Here he comes.
I say to you be, little one, just be, but who do you think you are without me? Don’t forget me. Just be! With me you can be. The only one you need to chase is me.
You said no gods no graven image before me. I am your God have no other but me. It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery (Gal 5:1).
Come close right now.
What do you mean?
Give up your vain ambition. Give up the places where you are blind.
Wait at the cross.
Here I come do you hear? Do you see?
I will heal this nation. I will because I am.
Wait at the cross, there is strength in waiting, while hunger grows.
Come with me to the cross and beyond, see where we will go together.
Come and see. Come and be.
Be who I created you to be.
Be because I am.

posted by Christa @ 7:01 AM 0 comments

posted by Christa @ 4:51 PM 3 comments